Life has never made more sense than it perhaps does right now at this very moment. It may not be 100% clear, but it is beginning to become clear. This is the moment when you break into song and dance.... "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone..." Or maybe not. My insight into life began around 2 years ago when I first started working at the hospital. And you ask how I new the meaning of life and didn't tell anyone about it until 2 years later? Well it was a work in progress and still is. Slowly everything is coming into focus.
I guess all the patients I have met and seen come through my experiences in the medical profession have taught me many things about life. I realize that you all are sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for me to tell you my secrets, well be patient.
I have seen patients jump over stair well railings and break legs, patients being resuscitated through CPR with every rib in their bodies broken, patients bleeding profusely, patients with wounds so large you could fit my entire upper body in it. I have taken care of patients with and without families that care. Patients that you know will die sooner rather than later. I have been witness to two patient deaths - one while I was still in nursing school when I was out with hospice. We were their for his last breaths. At the time I didn't want to learn from the experience. I filed the time spent at that house away in the back of my mind for reference later on in life when I might need to comfort grieving family members.
This past Saturday I had to pull out every lesson, every memory I have ever learned about grief and death. I never expected to have to be put in the position of taking care of an actively dying person. I wanted to avoid that entire experience. But as we all know death is unavoidable and for me it came sooner rather than later. Okay so I was the first day nurse to arrive to work and I don't normally work on Saturdays. In fact I haven't worked on the weekend since May before I started as a nurse. And let me preface this with I never wish to work on the weekends again.
So I chose my patient assignment and with the help of the night RN's we came up with the assignments for the other two nurses. I didn't think my assignment would be too difficult. How bad could my assignment be? As soon as I sat down to take report on my patients I knew it would be a bad day. I was asked to witness the DNR (do not resuscitate) order on my patient. When the attending is standing in the nurses station asking you to witness the DNR, you know it's pretty bad. And when you go in the room and he says "chances are I am going to get a call in the next few hours from the nurse saying that she has stopped breathing." it's going to be a very bad day. A day that you don't want to deal with.
It was right then that I knew that my patient wasn't going to live to see the sunset. Breathing 40 times a minute and a blood pressure of 90/60s is not a great sign when you want your patient to live. We did get my patient taken off all treatment except comfort measures, but she didn't survive long enough for the pain medication to kick in. Before I could hang her morphine drip, her heart monitor flat lined (or in medical terms asystole) and I heard her daughters start to sob... my heart sank and all eyes turned toward me. The only thing I could think to do is to send people into the room to check the patient. All signs of life were gone. Her heart continued beating at 10 per minute for around 5 minutes, but that cannot keep a person alive when oxygen is not filling the lungs.
Some people might freeze up at that moment, but you can't do that if you want to stay in this profession. You will witness death and deal with moments that everyone wishes to avoid. But what I learned from the experience is that death shouldn't be faced alone. Everyone needs someone at their side when faced with the inevitable transition to the next step - heaven, paradise, reincarnation, or whatever you believe. Even if it is a family member going through the end of life, don't separate from others. keep people in your life so that you aren't sitting in a hospital bed alone taking your last breath.
Life is about having people to love and that love you, so that you are never alone even in the darkest of moments.
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